Relationship Tips

Relationship Tip #1: Love & Respect

As we head into 2017, my partner Austin and I would like to select some of our most requested topics for coaching and begin to dive into them on our blogs and FB pages. At the top of this list – Relationship Support.

Joining together with another person, be it romantic or otherwise, offers unique opportunities to observe qualities within ourselves. We may not always see it this way. Often, we allow our focus to travel to what we desire to ‘change’ about our partner. When we do this, we may not take that step back to understand what opportunities exist for us to grow within ourselves.

The fact is, most highly functional and successful relationships are built by two individuals who have little to no desire to change one another. They may not agree with every quality the other chooses to express in each now moment, but changing that quality doesn’t come into discussion. Instead, the couple seeks to understand the quality or simply agrees to disagree and honor the perspective of one another.

For some reason, many of us have created this notion that when we are in a relationship with someone, we have to completely and fully align. That if we don’t share exactly the same values, beliefs, desires, etc. that the other either needs to conform  (or we do) in order to move forward. Why?

Many of the closest friends and happiest couples Austin and I have had the honor of meeting with are as different as can be…but they do share one common bond – a deep love and respect for one another. When this exists, all else aligns.

This is our first tip for 2017 – allow yourself to stop over-complicating relationships in life and build from this beautiful foundation — pure love and mutual respect.

~In Loving Service
Amber

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Life Coaching

I AM

Over the holidays I have had the joy of hosting my family. I love them dearly and always feel blessed to share time with them. But, like all families, there are consistently opportunities to observe and break cycles that aren’t serving us any longer. 
 
As people, we grow and shift over our lifetimes. As families, we don’t always recognize this growth and shift within one another and may not honor it until the lack of honoring is pointed out. Often, to one another, we are the roles we have played throughout our lives (the role of mom, dad, little brother, big sister, etc.). We find comfort in these roles and forget that we are people beyond them.
 
So, when we gather together for events such as the holidays, we have a tendency to fall into our respective roles. But, if one or more of us has grown in a way that takes us beyond our role, it can shift the entire dynamic of the group. 
 
What do I mean?
 
For me personally, I now understand that I am unconditional love, kindness, strength and patience and I use these aspects of who I am to play the roles of mother/daughter/sister/life coach/meditation practitioner. Once I leave this world I will continue to be unconditional love, kindness, strength and patience. These are the energies that make up the very essence of who I am. I will not continue to be a mother/daughter/sister/life coach/meditation practitioner. These are roles I have taken on to experience life.
 
Why does this matter?
 
Because, when my role as wife fell away, it didn’t take away who I am. I was not defined by my role. I know who I am. And, when my family worries for me (as families do – and in great excess over the holidays), I am able to not participate. Instead, I am able to connect with who I am and continue to draw upon my strength and unconditional love.
 
Do you know who you are beyond your roles? Take time to connect to what makes you who you are and embrace these aspects of self fully. Love all that you are, and through this love, allow others to see you and love you too.

 
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Life Coaching

Frozen By Fear

Earlier this week my partner Austin and I had the pleasure of being at the San Diego Zoo. As we walked around to visit with all of the animals we noticed something that seemed a bit odd. Where all of the other animals had large cages or enclosures around them, the giraffes only had a small wall that held them into their place. With such long legs and such great height, it was easy to see that these animals could simply jump over the wall if they ever chose to – so why didn’t they? We were both incredibly puzzled by this, so we asked. The answer…
 
Giraffes are afraid of their own height so they won’t attempt to step over anything if they can keep from it.images

What does this mean?
 
These animals have every ability to walk out of the enclosure that holds them and explore the world around them, but they don’t. Not because they are captive by the enclosure itself, but because they are held captive by their fears.
 
Isn’t that like many of us? We put reasons we aren’t stepping out into a new environment on our current environment. But, the truth is, our current environment is a small wall. All circumstances can be rearranged if we desire them to be. The only thing that truly holds us back is our own fear.
 
Life is an experience! If you are happy in your current environment, enjoy it fully and completely. But, if you desire to explore new terrain, don’t allow fear to hold you back. Step over that wall and embrace what is on the other side!
——-
Life Coaching

Can People Change?

Some quotes stick with you once the words echo in your ears. For me, this has been the case with Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” 

I found myself in an internal struggle with these words. I believe that things are rarely what they appear to be on the surface. That, even when we remove the masks and facades that we tend to wear as people, we are incredibly diverse and complex beings.

To state that someone can show you who they are the first time means that you are projecting the assumption that this person fully understand who they are within themselves.

Now let me ask you this, how many of you fully understand who you are in this now moment? Fully…completely…truly?

know-yourself-2We are all on this journey of discovery. To judge and evaluate another is to limit our opportunity to know them. This is not stating that we shouldn’t set healthy boundaries as we are all finding our way.

But, to assume that people are unable to change mirrors back that we, too, are not able to shift as we learn more about ourselves. Is this the path we are choosing to walk?

I love and honor Maya Angelou and thank her for the opportunity to consider these words. I may not align with them, but I am grateful that they sparked the chance for me to look deeper within and understand why.

That is the strength in words and the very point in this post. We aren’t all going to agree and we aren’t all going to align. But,  we are ever changing, ever exploring, ever shifting in our awareness. What you know and believe today will likely not be the same in five years and certainly won’t be the same in fifty years.

So yes, in my view, people can and do change ♥ often.

Life Coaching

Why Do People Cheat?

In Life Coaching there are many topics that arise, but cheating is a fairly consistent theme.  From cheating on partners or diets to cheating for financial gain or recognition, this act of dishonesty leaves most wondering why it happens at all – including many of those who do it.

I have observed a fairly consistent pattern in those who cheat and this is what I would like to discuss in this post. I’m not claiming it to be anything other than my observation and I am posting as something for those who are interested to consider.

But, before we get to the pattern, let’s make certain we have a common definition for the word. Cheating is defined as:

 1. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage.
2. avoid something undesirable by luck or skill.

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Now that we have a common definition from which to base this discussion, what is this pattern that seems to be present in those who do it?

It’s quite simple really, the ego is out of balance (either too high or too low), often leading to a desire to control, avoid or seek validation from external sources.

Let’s begin with those who have an ego that shifts from balanced to high. These individuals tend to cross the line from confidence to conceit and begin to desire power and control. Those who hold this desire begin to feel justified in doing whatever is necessary to generate an outcome in their favor. If this includes acting dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, then that is what they will do. The drive to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events far outweighs the desire to be honorable in principles, intentions and actions. These individuals often evaluate their self-worth by their external power and control.

Now, what happens when ego goes the other way? Individuals who have a low ego (low self-esteem) tend to seek balance by obtaining the approval of others. When they don’t feel worthy enough, they may also attempt to avoid the feeling with alternate sources (food, drugs, alcohol, etc.).

Why is this important to know?

When your sense of self-worth is centered and balanced, there is no need for control, external validation or avoidance. The desire to cheat in any fashion is gone. There is a realization that there is simply no need for it. You feel whole and complete as you are. You are in this state of self-love and self-confidence that is neither low nor high. It is a beautiful state of being and completely achievable.

How do you achieve it? The first step is to understand where you fall in your own self-esteem and self-worth in this current moment. Once you have the strength to look at where you are, you can begin to understand what it will take to navigate through any tendencies that are preventing you from being balanced.

It isn’t easy to face ourselves and realize that we may have growth to do in the area of balancing our ego. But, not admitting it is cheating ourselves out of a truly blissful state of being.

Remember: Only when we are completely, totally and fully honest with ourselves can we begin to transform into what we truly desire.

 

Namasté
Amber

 

General

Why Do We Lie?

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” 

Why are we compelled to conceal the truth with falseness? Is it love or fear that drives the decision?

I am now one of those annoying people who will not lie. I may choose not to participate in a conversation or may tell someone directly that I would prefer not to answer a question, but I will not provide a false answer to “protect” or “save” someones feelings. I do this out of love and honor for all that I am sharing my time, space and energy with – including myself.

I am the first to admit I was not always an Honest Abe. Previously, I had the perception that it was better to tell a little white lie, one that wasn’t necessarily hurting anyone, than it was to hurt someone’s feelings. After all, we all do it. In fact, we are so conditioned to it twoman-hiding-behind-maskhat we nearly desire others to lie to us to save our feelings. In many cases we would rather be told that we look nice in something than be told the truth if something doesn’t fit us well. In essence, we have created a culture where it is better to be false than to speak truth.

But, I have now come to realize that every time I was false I wasn’t only false to the person I had told the lie to, I was also false with myself. I wasn’t speaking from my heart so that I might face my experience. I was speaking from what I believed others desired me to say so that I could avoid it. In doing this, I was denying myself the opportunity to realize the true value in the exchange. Over time, that had an impact. I had missed many opportunities to grow on a soul level, and to possibly assist other in the same way. My unhealthy avoidance cycle through little lies in an effort to keep the peace ultimately prevented me from speaking my truth.

Once I took time to observe this cycle and choose to end it, this was the lesson I found:

Nothing good ever comes from a lie – big or small. If we desire something true, we have to be truthful first – both with ourselves and those around us. It all begins within.